…on all things wise and wonderful.
First dates, as a rule, are difficult, dicey and at times, downright disappointing. Ordering food on a first date is like the icing on the cake of uncertainty! (Sometimes, this becomes the cake of disaster.) Anyway, the point is that you don’t want to appear gluttonous, but at the same time, you don’t want to create the impression of being too terrified to swallow down food. You also DON’T want to frighten your date away with your Neanderthal man-like table manners. So, what do you order? What do you say?? How do you eat???
I’m not going to answer any of these questions.
What I am going to share with you, however, is a list of much higher importance: The list of foodstuffs you should NOT order on your first date. (Remember, this is a list that I’ve created at the risk of losing my dignity, self-pride and exposing the very unflattering manners of ‘Some-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.) Harry Potter fans, got the joke?
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Look towards the legendary Vampire for inspiration. Run miles away from garlic. (And onions too, for that matter)
This was a no-brainer, but, when you’re out there in the treacherous dating pool, you’ll realize that there is a paucity of this thing called ‘A brain.’
Anyway, unless you want your date to spend the rest of her time holding a hanky over her nose, or trying to get the hell away from your pungent, smelly breath, do not order onions and garlic, or anything else that leaves a trace of it having been in your mouth.
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Stubborn lil crustaceans
You might think a big, fancy lobster is the thing to order on your first date. It’ll very casually reveal to your date that when it comes to money, you’re in the big league.
But, now you have this dead, many-legged, member of the deep staring up at you, (Their eyes pop out so you kind of feel like the poor thing’s looking at you) and you have to eat it. Here lies the problem because, as you wrestle open the shell and claw out the meat, you might just reveal to your date that you have the dining skills of a four year old, or that you’re too inspired by Chuck Noland of Castaway fame.
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Burger Bigger Than Your Mouth
First of all, a burger is not something you should order on a date. It’s very unromantic, ordinary and reveals sings of ‘cheapskatism.’
But you might be lucky and end up sitting opposite a person who is burger-crazy, and so, orders one herself. Take the cue then, and order one too (Love thrives in similarity; you’re weird, I’m weird too. Let’s be weird together! Ever heard this corny line? I have.)
However, don’t order a burger that requires you to mimic a yawning King Kong every time you have to take a bite. Remember, you’re not King Kong. So, you’ll end up with shreds of meat, veggies, whatever, falling or sticking out of your mouth as you chomp away to glory.
That, is a very unappetizing, fiercely unromantic sight to behold.
Burp / Fart inducing foods:
Unfortunately, you might already know this by now. Experience can be a rough, unmerciful teacher.
For the lucky few who haven’t embarrassed themselves in front of their dates yet, stay away from beans and too many carbonated drinks. Both make you gaseous. Whilst the latter chooses the more dignified end, i.e. your mouth to escape, the former chooses the more embarrassing one. That’s all I’m willing to reveal on this topic. Dignified silence.
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Salads, as the main course:
You might be paranoid about eating out, or have weight issues, or just be really full, whatever the case, do not order a salad as your main course dish. Your poor date might a. End up thinking you’re a miser, b. End up feeling like a thoughtless hog or c. Become really turned off at the thought of dating someone who has bigger weight issues than herself! Besides, you might get really bored waiting for your date to finish her elaborate meal while you sit twiddling your thumbs.
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Yes, milk. Do not order milk on your first date, for that matter, on any date. Because, grownups do not order milk on dates! It might calm your nerves, up your sense of humour, fuel your confidence levels, whatever man! Just don’t order milk on a date. Period.
Well, this was my learned-the-hard-way list. When things go awfully wrong and I have a disastrous date, do you know what I do? I head home, order in yummy food, plonk down on my comfy sofa and pig out! There, I said it.
“You didn’t just order milk!”
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